Mental Emancipation

ME = Mental. Emancipation.

Got it.

Something Changed

Sometimes, I can be in the same room, in the same house, in the same clothes....smell the same scents, hear the same sounds.... yet, something feels different.  Nothing has changed, but SOMETHING has changed.  I feel that at this moment.  I have felt this feeling many times before and whether good or bad, I was right. 

Sink or Swim

Happy New Year?

THE ACCIDENT

On the morning of Sunday, December 12, 2010, I experienced the worst accident in my life.  I was heading to the north side of town for my gym appointment, as I usually do on most Sunday mornings, and while maneuvering through the curve that joins one interstate to another, my car began to fishtail. Within seconds, I was in a full spin across all four lanes of the highway into the median wall.  I can remember seeing the wall as my car approached it.  I seriously thought I was about to die.  I don't remember the airbags deploying, but I could smell them.  When the car finally stopped, I could feel a sharp pain in my chest and pain in my left arm.  I think I may have blacked out for a moment because I could see a lot of people standing around the car.  There were two ladies at my car door. When one of them opened the door, my arm fell from the arm rest unto the side of the seat.  I instantly felt the worst pain imaginable shoot up my arm and I could barely lift it.  I heard the lady on my left say that my arm was broken. She told me she was a nurse and she began to cut off my sweatshirt. A few minutes later, the ambulance was on the scene and I was taken to the hospital.  Through it all, I didn't cry until I was in the ER.  

I remember thinking, I have been employed with medical coverage since I was 16 years old and within these five months of my unemployment and no coverage I crash into a fucking wall. And to add some frosting to this shit cake, I had no auto insurance...Isn't that yummy?  Now, I officially have nothing to lose.  So, as I nurse all my bruises, both physical and emotional, I have some time to contemplate next steps.  I'll keep you all posted as it all unfolds.

100 Random Things About Me! *REVISED*

1. I’m Human and make mistakes often
2. Music is my religion
3. My favorite color changes often
4. I love hearing other people’s life stories.
5. I hate sports. I can tolerate the social aspect, but could care less for the game.
6. I’m at my best during the spring and fall seasons
7. I recently realized that my TV keeps me company and without it I am lost.  I have to have something on in the house at all times.  Too much silence drives me nuts.
8. “I ain’t no killa but don’t push me”
9. On November 1, 2010, I decided to completely change my thinking.  I am giving myself 100 days to reflect, plan and implement my self renovation . My 100 days end on my birthday....I’m EXCITED!
10. I LOVE hip hop
11. I’ve been to six therapists and have been prescribed multiple drugs to help in dealing with my issues from verbal and emotional abuse as a child. None have worked. I hated the vegetative state of the drugs and the stupidity of the therapy.
12. Even though I’m overweight, I am thankful to be proportionate.
13. I have great office skills, but I absolutely despise office work!
14. I’m an extremely picky eater
15. I was a Brownie Scout and a Girl Scout
16. In the 80’s, I was a majorette in the Atlanta Christmas Parade
17. I got a black-eye as first baseman playing little league t-ball as a kid
18. About a year ago, I really started to enjoy the outdoors....hiking, lakes, beaches
19. My heart, mind and spirit totally agree on moving closer to water
20. I absolutely love that young girls look up to me!  I love that they imitate my style or want my time and attention....THEY CAN HAVE IT FOREVER!
21. I love the study of Philosophy.  I’m considering going to school for it.
22. I got pregnant the very first time that I had sex.  I was 17. I was forced to abort by my parents.
23. I still hold some resentment for that.
24. I love love and romance.
25. Kissing and hugging could be a hobby or sport for me.
26. I enjoy cleaning, but the urge only hits after midnight
27. I come alive at night and drag-ass during the day
28. I loathe most condiments....mayo and mustard top the list though...YUCK!
29. You can add salads to #28...and dressings
30. I believe in karma
31. I love the O’Jays and Teddy Pendergrass
32. I really want to adopt my 11 YO little cousin.  Her life has been such a whirlwind and my heart bleeds for her daily.
33. I have a need for speed.  I love fast cars. There is definitely a motorcycle and jet ski in my future
34. Sweet white wine and champagne will forever be staples in my life
35. I have very little self discipline and I hate that it’s a personal barrier...100 days!
36. I’ve never owned lingerie
37. I want to be a wife and mom (I may want to reconsider that lingerie thing)
38. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice
39. It bothers me that my dad was present for both my brother and sister’s weddings, but won’t be there for mine.
40. I’ve seen Prince, Janet Jackson, Diana Krall, Teena Marie, Boys II Men, The Fat Boys and MANY others in concert!!  Anthony Hamilton was the only one that has brought me to tears.
41. I have a very hard time with forgiveness.  Big time grudge holder.
42. I love loud thumping music while cooking and/or cleaning
43. Cooked fruit...Never!
44. My GPA was 4.0 in my first year of college
45. I quit school to work because I wasn’t getting support from home
46. I was a robot for 35 years
47. I write much better than I speak...in my opinion
48. I’ve moved more than 20 times
49. Today, I am blah because I can't figure it out
50. I feel the most confident when my hair, nails and makeup are done to perfection
51. I’m fascinated by shows like The First 48, Intervention, Gangland and Lockdown.
52. I can sit for hours reading blogs
53. I go to sleep and wake up with Twitter
54. I love arts and crafts
55. I attended my senior prom with 2 girls.  One of them is now living as a man (and he’s married to a woman)
56. I’ve had food poisoning twice
57. I’ve had alcohol poisoning once.  First night at college.
58. I’ve never indulged in illegal drugs...not even marijuana. (I was curious though)
59. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, but I have smoked Black and Mild cigars.  I hate dry mouth!
60. I am completely turned on by men’s cologne.  It must be the good stuff though.
61. I’m proud of the skin on my body. 
62. My skin care routine (body) consists of sugar scrub, safflower oil, mild soap, baby oil and baby lotion.
63. I control rashes and breakouts on my face with a scrub made of crushed aspirin, honey and a little water
64. I have a great sense of humor and I find myself laughing at the dumbest things.  Babies are the funniest.
65. I inherited my parents love for The Blues.  
66. I wear my heart on my sleeve
67. My emotions are just under the surface
68. I exercise several times a week, but still have ridiculous eating habits....100 Days!
69. I have a mild social anxiety
70. This year, I have started to develop panic attacks.  I'm scared.
71. Getting a good hand and foot massage is better than sex for me!
72. I am using this “down time” to renovate myself
73. Without my contact lens or glasses, I am completely blind
74. Sometimes, I just don't know
75. I've lost everything. I'm looking forward to rebuilding
76. I am scared shit-less of aging....and being alone.
77. I would much rather text than talk on my cell
78. I tend to fade when people talk about something I don’t care about
79. I just discovered the yummy goodness of Doritos about 6 months ago.  The smell always kept me away.
80. I often second guess myself even though I have proven to myself time and time again that I’m right the first time.
81. I love word games and puzzles
82. I find coloring books to be relaxing.  I buy my own to keep separate from my nieces.
83. I love, love, love long hot baths
84. I’ve been white water rafting
85. I’ve been off-roading in a Land Rover
86. I’ve been on 4 cruises
87. I find that shooting guns is a huge stress relief. I definitely plan to do more.
88. I want to learn some sort of martial art
89. I hate ironing
90. I’ve never owned a brand new car
91. I’m afraid of home ownership
92. I hate politics and really don’t care to spend my time with it
93. I never argue with crazy.
94. I really don’t enjoy sex, but I love the foreplay and affection
95. I usually read horoscopes for entertainment, but I think there may be something to that Aquarius thing. Being around or in water brings me to life.
96. I love a good road trip
97. Though I’m not insanely neat, I despise pack rat clutter
98. I'm just learning how to live
99. Ice Cream is my dessert passion
100. I still aspire to be a 150lb chick with a banging body, enjoying a successful life and career in counseling and mentoring....a best selling author of a book that’s made into a movie....an adventurist who rides motorcycles and races hot cars....a butt-kicking martial arts girl that travels well and laughs often....a hot, sexy and loving wife to the good-looking, ambitious, family oriented husband that makes all my dating drama worth the wait.  I know it’s coming!

Relapse!

I started my weight loss journey in March 2010.  I hired a trainer and began my sessions 3 days a week.  By mid-summer, I had lost close to 60lbs.  Then, things in my life began to change.  I lost my job, I was denied unemployment benefits, I had to move out of my apartment and working out just hasn't been a major priority.  It's because of this, that I've gained back 20lbs in the past three months.  My emotions are on the surface and I'm finally realizing, or should I say accepting, that "Emotional Eating" is a real problem for me.  Siiigggghhhh! I am still training with Major Pain, but it's sporadic.  Losing weight is a battle that I will be fighting for awhile.