Friday, March 26, 2010

Is This It? Is This All?


I've only had two dreams that have NEVER changed in my 36 years. To be a wife and to be a mother.  Though I have had many other wishes, dreams and ambitions to come true, these two have yet to become a reality and have proven to be QUITE DIFFICULT to achieve.  Dating for me has been up and down.  There hasn't been any great romances that didn't involve sneaking around the "baby-mama" or wife. I have observed friends and family marry, divorce and marry again.  I have hosted innumerable baby showers. I have witnessed the most horrific women completely consume what I feel are decent men and yet, I stand alone.
I have read many books and articles on love and relationship.  I have talked to both men and women, of various ages about the subject.  Their advice, comments and opinions vary greatly.  So, I find myself feeling alone and completely depleted today.  Today, I just need it!

It has crossed my mind over that past few years that these dreams probably won't come true and that maybe they were never supposed to.  I think it may be time to finally make my peace with this.....I mean REALLY accept it.  The expectations that I hold continue to lead me to constant disappointment.  Don't get me wrong now, I don't have a monster list of haves and have-nots for a mate.  I just want that "feeling" and a good strong mutual respect in a relationship.  (SIGH!!!) I never imagined that it would never happen for me.  

So, Honey....What's next?  I am learning to let go of many things, but I think this is going to be the hardest. Look forward to more posts on this as I deal with these feelings.

3 comments:

B said...

Do you see your conflict? You want but don't think it will happen. You want a certain type but get wound up in men with other women.

Do not ever let go of your dreams. You got to get that con-fusion out of you. Make it happen. Anything worth having is worth struggling for..if you give up and let it go...you are right...you are not supposed to have it.

They never come as you think they should. What you are looking for is out there your energy just keeps it away.

Unknown said...

We always think that it wont happen for us and then we tend to settle just to have someone to fill that empty space. I don't think you should accept this as your reality, I know there is a man out there that will BE everything you need and everything YOU ARE. You are such a special and beautiful woman and once you really truly let go of the conflict in your mind (I want but don't think it will happen) I cant imagine any man not wanting to embrace all the love you have in your heart. I'm a woman so I guess that doesn't mean a lot. lol.

Love ya girl and wishing you success on your quest. It will happen just KNOW it in your heart.

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